Children can experience a rough ride through a divorce or a smooth ride depending on how the parents handle the situation. No pressure parents, but it really does depend on your actions and behaviors! So many times parents get so caught up in their own issues and conflicts that those of their children go by the wayside. This can literally impact your children for years to come, maybe even for their lifetime.
One day a decision is made. The children did not make the decision. It was up to the parents. The world they once knew was suddenly turned completely upside down. More than not, the children are the ones suddenly thrust into the 'back and forth' routine in which they have two bedrooms, clothes at two places, and the stress of trying to remember where they last saw their math homework. It can put some children into overload all at once.
Having worked with children of divorced parents for many years, I know the stories can run quite deep. Some children have disclosed to me their anger and resentment towards one or both parents. Others have discussed how they feel caught up in the middle. One day I had two brothers tell me that they are so 'done' with mom and dad fighting and they could not understand why they could not just let it go and move on with their lives. The boys were trying to do that but the parental conflict made it hard for them to truly find peace. Nice. So a discussion of the child's perspective is in order.
Change in school or friends if a parent moves away. Children of divorce are typically the ones who make the trek back and forth between mom and dad's house. So that means they may move away with a parent and possibly have to change schools and meet new friends. This is often completely outside of the children's control and can create new stressors for the children.
Establishing a new special place in another house. Children are typically the ones in the scenario who move back and forth between homes. So this means they have a new place to sleep at the other parent's house and this could also include new people (other adults or children). Some parents, due to financial constraints, may not be able to provide enough space for the children so overnights may not happen upfront or if they do, suddenly children with their own rooms may need to share space.
Remembering what items move to the other house. One of the hardest things for children is the moving of their things. Clothes tend to migrate, a bike may end up at one house and not the other, or a math book might be left at one house when it needed to go to school the next morning from the other house. Suddenly there is a lot more to remember and keep track of and for children who are not organized, this can be even more difficult. Are the parents responsible for moving the items? The age of the children certainly factors into that since older kids can take on more of that responsibility. Yet, it is another layer to the complicated scenario.
Loss of possessions or activities. Getting divorced is an expensive process for some parents. Summer camp or ski lessons may be a thing of the past due to the fact that the finances are no longer available. For some children this might only be a temporary inconvenience, but for others, it is permanent.
Normal routine disrupted and less consistency. Parents do not miraculously parent using the same style during or after a divorce. Consistency between the homes might become an issue. Routines might be drastically different at each home. Such things as nutrition, activities, or bedtimes may vary so much it can be hard for the children to remember OR on the flip side, children can become very good at seeing the holes in the system and manipulate the parents to get what they want. Consistency is key before, during and after big changes.
From the children's perspective, this can mean less conflict and more peace at home if parents are no longer living together and constantly fighting, or this could mean an increase in stress level on the children. Young children still need lots of structure and discussions around the situation in simple terms they can understand. Saying things such as "We both still love you very much, but just cannot live together anymore" gives them confidence they are not the cause of this happening. With older kids, they will have a better understanding. The caution here is to not rely on the kids as your new sounding board about the other parent or the situation. You can answer their questions but remember there is still a fine line between being the parent and their friend and they should not be in deep with your adult issues. Their role is and will continue to be that of your child, not your support to help you through. Make a pact with the other parent to never discuss your issues in front of the kids (either in person, on the phone, or even in e-mails they could access).
Therapy for children in this process can be very effective. Sometimes they will not want to talk to you initially about issues and younger children may be acting out in new ways in response to the conflict or stress. Having someone they can connect and share with might be just the thing they need to work through all of these changes. It is often not a long term commitment and the sooner kids have that support, the better they are able to adjust. Not all children need this so keep an eye and if you notice things out of character for your children, think about therapy as an option. Separating the normal developmental process and the effects of the divorce are not always so easy but a therapist can help with that piece.
If you are able to work with the other parent around the children's issues, see if you can land on the same page around schedules such as doing homework when they first get home from school, bedtimes the same time, limits on phone or computer time, etc. The more you can do this, it is easier for the kids and they will not manipulate the situation as easily. Always confer with one another if there is an inconsistency and stand united on the parenting front. Even though you are not together as a family unit, you both are still responsible for the health and well-being of your children and you can still do that together as mom and dad. Work on your own issues so they don't trickle down to the kids. As much as you can work together, the success of how your children will learn and grow will blossom!
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